I miss my mom. She’s in The Dominican Republic on vacation. Last time I saw her was on Friday before I left to Ohio. She left on Saturday so I haven’t heard from her since then. It soo odd. I’ve never reacted this way. We have spent time apart. I lived in OH for 3 1/2 years, I booked my first trip away from the ‘rents at age 14, so this makes no sense. I am literally balling right now. I don’t know what to do with myself. I need to get back on my meds.
My last serious relationship was in 2009. That summer I learned how strong I could be and how horrible human nature can be.
In May of that year I broke with the man I was sure I was going to marry. He wanted some space and I gave him the end that unbeknownst to me, he had desperately wanted. See I don’t believe in breaks. It’s either on or off especially when you consider the fact that he lived in Miami and I in NY, there was no more space I could give beyond the miles that separated us.
At the end I learned a lot that summer. I never really believed in women’s intuition. I always thought it was insecure women nagging and complaining only to discover I too possessed this gift and curse. During our relationship there were certains points where things just didn’t add up or a got a bad vibe. In particular there was a vibe between him and my cousin. I brushed it off like all the other things. In fact I never mentioned it to anyone until I finally learned the truth. I still consider it the ultimate Jerry Springer moment in my life: the day I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me…with his co-worker & with my cousin & and god knows who else.
Sometimes I think back and wonder if would I have changed things.I remember not wanting to pick-up the phone after our first awkward hook-up. I literally told him my body was rejecting him mid-entry and couldn’t stop laughing with my friends about how inadequate he was. But he eventually won me over with John Legend songs serenaded over the phone, sweet messages over text, and never ending calls that eventually made me fall in love.
I never in my life want to cry the way I did for weeks after it ended but at the same time I have never felt so alive.
When I was 16, I had a fake I.D. and decided to go to a gay bar by myself because some friends bailed on me. While there, an older gentleman bought me a drink. He wasn’t a creeper, and he definitely wasn’t unattractive. I accepted the drink and began talking to him. No big deal. As the hour progressed, I felt myself feeling strange. I mentioned that I felt like I had a headache, and this guy helped guide me out of the bar. As we were walking down the street, the thought of, ‘Oh god, he’s drugged me, I’m going to die’ came to my head. I tried to get away, but I was so drugged up that I could barely walk, let alone speak. It also didn’t help that I had really large ‘goth’ platform shoes because I was going through a phase. Anyway, this guy brought me to his suv and began undressing me. As a final act of defiance, I hit him over the head with my platform shoe. He then punched me, and I remember thinking, ‘Why don’t they ever give workshops to gay guys about being victims of rape too?’ While I was as careful as possible, I never saw the guy slip something in the drink. I even watched the bar tender make the drink. Anyway, I lied there completely paralyzed while this pervert was lubing up. I locked eyes with his for a moment, and that’s when it happened. A very large and angry drag queen opened the door of the vehicle and beat the shit out of my attempted rapist. She and her other drag friends helped dress and care for me while the police arrived. I was saved by a group of guardian drag queens. They were basically the modern day ‘angels from heaven.’
A real woman always keeps her house clean and organized, the laundry basket is always empty. She's always well dressed, hair done. She never swears, behaves gracefully in all situations and all circumstances. She has more than enough patience to take care of her family, always has a smile on her lips, and a kind word for everyone. Reblog this if you, too, suspect that you might be a man.
So I still have the password to an email account that belongs to a guy I used to date/hook-up with for 2+ years. It was a tumultuous time and the sex was great but towards the end the sex could not outweigh what a horrible person he was. I mean, I knew early on it wasn’t going to progress but there were always things that made it feel like it could be the exception to the rule. For example: joint Netflix accounts, full-weekends over at each other’s place, and asking me to add his phone to my mobile account were all mistaken as signs for long-term possibility. I was selling myself this pseudo-relationship, not a partner, not a friend. Those were important factors I ignored.
Luckily for me I never had him on my AT&T account otherwise I’d be stuck with a bill he refuses to pay to a girl he was also seeing. In fact he was seeing many girls. I knew clearly who he was seeing via the Netflix password that was the same one he used on FB and on one of his email accounts. The women were all single-moms so I felt special since I didn’t fit his usual type. I rationalized the situation so many times. I thought because I knew what was really going on I couldn’t be fooled. I thought I had the upper hand on him and was above all the other girls. But I was the same, desperate for attention, too starved to know the truth. I hated his personality but craved the intimacy we never really shared so I continued with the drama. He was full of drama. I’d end things and he would reach out to my family to remedy the situation. I’d change my # and he would email me non-stop until I caved. It took a while but it’s finally over.
Now I log on to his email to remind myself of how stupid I was, to remind me to do better. I deserve better.
Are you fucking kidding me? Call me a raging whore, but this is some BULLSHIT. Has no one seen porn? Has no one been fucked in any other position but missionary with the fucking lights off? I’m not even going to delve into the 5th grade reading level style of writing… If you are claiming that this book has transformed your sex life in any way, I beg of you- GO GET FUCKED.